


the jungian and the restless

by yonderdarling



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Cunnilingus, F/M, the finale didn't happen??? what are you talking about???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 21:28:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11722908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yonderdarling/pseuds/yonderdarling
Summary: Bill has exactly one regret with regards to travelling in the TARDIS with the Doctor, Nardole, and Missy.





	the jungian and the restless

**Author's Note:**

> This is very silly, and named after a line in Frasier. Thanks to Chris, Kiara, Nicole and Ilana for all their feedback and cheerleading.

_A RATHER PICTURESQUE PARK IN EDWARDIAN ENGLAND_

 

There weren't many things Bill wished she'd done differently. She was relatively stable, relatively happy; her job wasn't exactly glamorous but it paid the bills and her coworkers knew what she was about.

And of course, through her job, she'd met the Doctor. She might regret some of the decisions that she'd made under his tutelage, but everything had turned out alright in the end. Refusing to go along with his dumb plan to rehabilitate Missy by putting her on some random spaceship, she didn't regret. Bill had protested until the Doctor had steered them away from that terrifying black hole, and, he'd elected instead, to take them to some park in the 1910s and Missy had helped a kid get their kite out of a tree.

"Baby steps," the Doctor had said, picking leaves out of Missy's hair. "That was well done, Missy."

"Shush. I'm not a baby," said Missy, and she'd promptly lain back with her head in the Doctor's lap and fallen asleep in the sun, which was sort of babyish, and cute, and then also really weird because it was Missy and she'd admitted to throwing a girl into a volcano, and she had made everyone on the TARDIS pancakes the other day -

"Penny for them," said the Doctor, looking at Bill. "What is it?"

"Is she gonna rescue a cat next time? Work her way up through small mammals?"

"She rescued a cat on Hoth while you and Nardole were ice-skating," the Doctor said. "She loves cats."

"To eat," said Nardole under his breath, and Bill hid a smile.

"She can hear you." Missy cracked open one eye. "Well, there's one kind of pussy I eat. But no, it was stuck on a gutter, and the old man here held me off the roof by one ankle, and we rescued Mittens."

"Well done Missy," said Bill, straight-faced.

Missy blew a raspberry. "I'm sleeping," she said.

The Doctor raised his eyebrows at Bill and Nardole.

"She made nice pancakes, though," Bill said lamely. "Thanks, Missy."

"That's only because the TARDIS refuses to make them for me," Missy said, and the Doctor began to stroke her hair back.

 

 

_THE MUSIC ROOM, DEEP WITHIN THE TARDIS_

 

"Now she's not around. How is Missy's rehab going?" Bill asked. "I mean, are you just going to keep putting her up in high places and hoping she does the right thing?"

The Doctor kept tuning his guitar. "Baby steps," he said.

Bill sat carefully on the drumming stool, narrowed her eyes at him. "Doctor?"

"Punishment, reward," he said. "She's trying. She's doing well - "

"She sprayed Nardole with some kind of - goo that made him rust up. While you've been in here," said Bill. "He's in a bath full of oil right now. Are you going to punish her for that?"

The Doctor tried to hide a smile. "And where's Missy?"

Bill shrugged.

"I'll talk to her," he said, strumming an odd chord. "Did he provoke her?"

"Not that I noticed."

"So probably."

"Hey - " said Bill. "Wait," she said, and smacked the Doctor over the head as he grinned. "Rude."

 

 

_MISSY, IN THE CONSERVATORY, NOT WITH THE CANDLESTICK_

 

Missy was lounging in a cane chair in the conservatory, reading a _Harry Potter_ spinoff. She had a big pink flower wound into her hair, a bright spot of colour amongst all the deep green and purple ferns and bonsai trees. She licked a finger, turned a page. The Doctor knocked on the doorframe.

"Hi," Missy said, without looking up.

"Nardole?"

"Said I should fuck off back to the Vault."

"Missy. Missy. Hey."

Finally, she looked up, studied his face. "Well, not in those words, but you understand."

"Okay," said the Doctor. "Okay." He pulled over a chair and sat on it awkwardly. He'd always hated the furniture in this room. "Missy, you don't hurt people when - "

Missy raised an eyebrow at him.

"If you're going to play a prank, maybe ensure it won't physically damage people or property, even on a semi-permanent basis."

"Instantly reversible, hm?" Missy went back to her book. "Like a canary cream."

"Why are you in here?"

"I wanted some quiet time. I like the plants. Would you like me to read to you?"

"I liked it when you read to me in the Vault," said the Doctor, studying his hands.

Missy shifted so she was sitting cross-legged in the chair. She spread the book open on her lap. "Is that a yes? Doctor?"

"Sure thing. I hoped you would. And then, you're going to apologise to Nardole."

"Do I have to?"

"Make him some pancakes. And while you're there - "

"Do you still like banana in yours?"

The Doctor looked up at her in horror. "Do I what?"

"You used to have them with mashed banana mixed in."

"If - no," the Doctor said. "That is - foul. No thank you. Thank you for remembering, but no thank you."

"Right. Well. I'm up to chapter thirteen," Missy said, and cleared her throat.

 

 

_WHY YOU SHOULD AVOID THE POETRY SEXTION_

 

Falling asleep in the TARDIS library was one of those things Bill had to regret. But the couches were so soft and comfortable, and everything was perfectly warm, smelt of vanilla and books and tea and everything that was good and pure, and she'd passed out on the couch with a book called _Made of Rain_ over her face.

Bill sat up with a start. She caught her breath, glanced out. What had that been?

She rubbed her eye, ruffled up her hair. Perhaps it had just been a dream.

And then Bill heard it again. It was a high pitched noise, almost a shriek, suddenly stifled. Her blood ran cold. Perhaps it was a film, except there were no TVs in the library.

Maybe the TARDIS had been boarded while she was asleep and everyone else had been taken prisoner and she'd have to _Die Hard_ her way out of -

Again, the noise, but it kept going, faded into silence. Bill listened harder, and realised she could hear heavy breathing - panting.

She stood, holding the book loosely in one hand, and took a few cautious steps down the aisle of books, towards the breathing. As she got closer to its source, the breathing became punctuated, with high-pitched squeaks, a few strange-sounding words. Face colouring, Bill paused before she got to the end of the aisle.

That was Missy's voice, and she certainly wasn't upset or afraid.

Bill swallowed dryly and peered between two of the books, and her jaw dropped. Missy was perched on the edge of the nice, light ash desk, her skirt hiked up around her waist, her legs spread wide - with the Doctor kneeling between them, eating her out with audible enthusiasm. Even as Bill watched, frozen with horror, Missy moaned, strangely-high pitched, grabbed the Doctor's hair and pulled him closer to her - alien bits. He certainly didn't seem to mind, grabbed her hips and pulled her closer to the edge of the desk so he could get a better angle. His head moved around, and Missy groaned, her eyes rolling backwards.

"Don't - don't - don't - stop," Missy managed to choke out, chest heaving. "Fuck, Doctor, fuck - "

Bill took three quick steps back and tiptoed down towards the other exit of the library, Missy's breathy moans and loud cries following her through the room. She shut the door carefully behind herself, leant against the wood, let out a long sigh.

Somehow, Nardole was right next to her, still all shiny from the oil bath, in his bright orange robe.

"What the f - " Bill began.

"They going at it in the library again?" Nardole asked tiredly. "That's why you should avoid the poetry section."

 

 

_SCRAMBLED EGGS, JUICE AND REGRETS_

 

So, basically, Bill had one regret, and it played out thusly:

 

She was eating her morning cereal quietly in the pink kitchen, when Missy shuffled in, her hair rumpled, in a fluffy yellow dressing gown with embroidered daffodils.

"Is there any juice?" she asked, standing by the closed fridge.

Bill swallowed. "Yes? It's the TARDIS, there's always juice."

"What kind of juice?"

Whatever. "Um, orange, I think there was apple, mango - "

Missy nodded, and quickly spun, opened the fridge doors. Three bottles; apple, mango and orange. She sighed with relief, took out the orange carton.

"You left your book on the floor, by the way," she said casually, pouring herself a glass, sitting opposite Bill. "Here."

"What book?"

Missy rummaged in her dressing gown pocket - were all Time Person clothes bigger on the inside, or something? And brought out _Made of Rain_.

"You dropped it while you were getting your peep on," Missy said, and took a long drink while Bill choked.

"I didn't - I didn't - I don't - I," she said, and wished the floor would swallow her up. "I thought someone was in trouble."

"Oh I wasn't," said Missy. "I did something right, by his standards, but I've never been one for gold stars."

Bill closed her eyes and hoped the entire conversation was a horrible nightmare and she'd soon wake up back under the Monk's control or something.

"He wasn't letting me come, if you were wondering about that," Missy drawled, and Bill wondered if she could just fake a seizure. "That was the best part. He's very skilled. That went on for hours. On the edge, the entire time, but not quite - there. Excruciating; exhausting." Missy let out a breath, wiggled in her seat. "The tongue control alone - "

"Missy - "

"Not in the library, of course. We went to my room after a while, and we had our merry way with each other, don't you know. But hours. I thought I was going to regenerate from - "

"I'll - " Bill blushed as the Doctor entered the room, fully dressed, hair freshly washed and extra fluffy. "Morning, Doctor."

"Morning, Bill. Is that cereal too spicy?" the Doctor asked. "You've gone all red."

"She's just got an odd question for you," Missy said. She tipped her head back and the Doctor kissed her lightly, running his hand over her hair. "Hey."

"Hi. What's the question, Bill?"

The Doctor opened the fridge, which was suddenly full of dozens of varieties of juice and milk, and picked out a little bottle of something blue.

"Moonjuice, Missy?"

"Not since I had that weird reaction on Tenzan," she said, and the Doctor opened his bottle, sat between her and Bill. "Anyway, go on Bill," Missy said.

"It's - Missy's winding me up, it's not a question."

The Doctor shoulder checked Missy, and Missy grinned at him. He took a quick sip of juice -

"She wants your advice on eating girls out," Missy said, and blue juice fountained across the table. Missy cackled, and the Doctor, now turning as red as Bill, grabbed a cloth and started dabbing at the table. "Doctor - "

The Doctor turned and chucked the cloth at Missy, who caught it deftly.

"I'm going back to bed, and we're pretending this conversation never happened," he said, exiting swiftly, covering his face.

Missy gave Bill a grin. "It's his single bloody-mindedness," she said calmly, and drained her orange juice. "He sets a goal and stretches himself for it. And speaking all those languages is a workout for the tongue. You should learn Spanish. That'd be a good one."

Bill swallowed dryly. Missy grinned.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off for a practical demonstration." She stood, wiped the table off properly, put the cloth in the sink, pushed her chair in, and left.

Bill sat very quietly for the next five minutes, and then went and asked Nardole to drop her back in Bristol for a while. She needed some normalcy. Preferably before she had to overhear the Doctor and Missy banging again.

 

She may or may not have dropped into a bookshop and picked up a Spanish phrasebook.

 

_EL FIN._

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed it! Feedback and comments are always appreciated.


End file.
